Coming out to my friend taught me about resistance and change

At VaynerMedia, we have something called ‘The Turn’. Coined by our chief creative officer Rob Lenois, it is an approach that guides everyone across the team, regardless of their role.

As importantly, we guide our clients to make ‘The Turn’ every single day. It is what you would call the monumental ‘aha’ moment.

I mention this terminology because when I joined VaynerMedia, I was similarly navigating unfamiliar terrain, given my non-advertising background. 

While I wasn’t new to marketing, I came from the brand side, and I daresay my experience and perspective of marketing were also shaped largely by outdated concepts and principles. ‘The Turn’ was written in a way that resonated with me simply and deeply on so many levels even outside the workplace.

Context aside, I've experienced this twice in my life: once with my mother when I first came out to her, and the second with a close friend about 15 years ago. This story is about the latter person. Let’s call him X. 

When we first met (we were in our early 20s then), we spent much time hanging out, sharing endless fun, and having the best conversations of our lives. We became the kind of friends that just got each other without saying a word, we were thinking the same thing at the same time, and more than occasionally having the same bad idea at the same time.

There was just one thing. 

X wanted nothing to do with queer folks, and was particularly vocal about his perspective towards ‘people like me’ (he wasn’t yet aware of how I identified). ‘Stunned’ would be a good phrase to describe the reaction I got when I came out to him as queer. While I risked losing the friendship, I had to speak my truth or the friendship could never move on. 

In a turn of events, his subsequent behaviour surprised me more. 

Instead of pulling away, he leaned in. He sought to learn more about my world, asked questions, dove deeper, and generally expressed a sense of curiosity about a world he initially didn’t quite understand, and even rejected.

Ultimately, X learned to accept me for who I am, for who I always will be. From someone that used to be (for the lack of a better word) homophobic and close-minded to a community that encompasses the lesbians, the gays, the queers, the everyone that belonged somewhere on the spectrum other than ‘straight’ to someone who, at the very least, was willing to open his eyes just a little wider, his heart a little bigger.

He made ‘The Turn’. 

Change is never easy. At VaynerMedia, we constantly shape clients' mindsets to embrace our marketing approach. It requires immense trust and brutally honest conversations. Wash and repeat. Sometimes, things might not work out. 

But practice this regularly and patiently enough, without shunning conflict, the process, or the elephant in the room, and the brands, friends, and people who finally cross that threshold will create incredible magic.

As I write this from Portugal, about to celebrate a best friend’s queer wedding, it feels fitting to reflect on this journey. 

Quite simply, we have made 'The Turn'.

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Kelly Roxanne is the marketing communications lead for APAC at VaynerMedia.