Marketing-claim porn

So the shock news is that I’m going to be a Dad soon.

If you think you’re scared at that concept, you should see how my wife looks.

Anyway, because of this I’ve been spending some time in the sorts of shops I always viewed as shopping kryptonite.

Walking down aisle after aisle of over-priced plastic—reading the over-enthusiastic claims on every box—I have come to the conclusion everyone who works in kids product marketing departments are wannabe Paula Abdul's.

You know the types, the ones who say everything is “brilliant”…“a-a-a-amazing that”…“best thing since the last best thing”, etc, etc, etc.

But there was one thing, amongst the thousand other things, that really took 'marketing-claim porn' to a whole new level.

Have a look at this.

Yes, I know the grammar is a bit dodgy, but seriously, how good does this product sound?

Can you guess what it is?

Can you?

I tell you what, I’ll give you some clues:

• It’s not Lego
• It’s not an Etch-a-Sketch
• It’s not table tennis

Any ideas?

OK, OK, I’ll give you the answer.

Yep, it’s a gun that shoots mini frisbee’s.

A bloody gun!

I haven’t seen that level of ‘bigging yourself up’ since witnessing a junior art director try and chat up an elegant—and uninterested—goddess in Cannes a decade ago.

But seriously, whoever wrote ‘helps kids use their brains' and ‘Harmonization' of the 2 hands’ and ‘cognize speed, strength and angle’ should be in Hollywood.

Or prison.

In fact, if I hadn’t immediately shoved it in my shopping basket and run to the checkout, I could have made a statement about why society is getting increasingly skeptical about the claims and promises of so many brands. But I did, so I can’t.

Bugger.