Q&A: UM China's Simon Woodward is in the hot seat

How did you get into the industry?
I was working in a bank in Park Lane in London. It was a very dull job, but it was the ‘old days’ so involved consuming incredible amounts of alcohol.

Through mastering these skills, I developed a relationship with a customer who had a friend at ITV.

She set me up for an interview, which seemed to me to be a real disaster. It was something like a Ben Stiller film clip.

But they hired me as a media salesman. From that, I crossed the thin line into media buying, which in those days involved doing the shouting, rather than being shouted at.

What was your first ever job?
I was a petrol pump attendant. It was a stinker of a job, but it paid for my first Fender guitar. I’ve still got the guitar and its now worth about 10 times what I bought it for, so pumping petrol was actually quite lucrative in an indirect way!

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Looking a lot more miserable and angry than I actually am feeling.

On what occasion do you lie?
I try not to but I seem to get into more trouble telling the truth. I lie when my mother-in-law asks me if I like her homemade wine. Which results in me getting more of the wine. Which serves me right, really. Ugh.

Name one thing about yourself that few people know.
I used to have bleached hair (one of the reasons I had to leave that Bank). I looked like a badger. It was the 80’s. I promise never to do it again.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I’m sorry, you can’t print them.

What’s your most evocative childhood memory?
My nan telling me all about her experiences in Southeast London during the Blitz in World War 2. As a little boy I found that tremendously fascinating and exciting to hear about. It took me a while to realise her stories were all true and recounted situations that few of us could imagine how to deal with.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
In life, my family – wife and daughter. Sorry it’s a cliché, but it’s true.
In work, coming to China in 2000. Everything changed then. Another true cliché is that you can have the best day of your life and the worst day in your life in the same day in China. So I think it’s a bit of an achievement to stick with it, given the above.

What makes you happy?
Happy people around me. Although I’m a miserable sod most of the time, I suffer/ benefit from emotion-osmosis. I envy super-positive people but love being around them.

Also, I’m very happy when listening to Drum & Bass music.

What is the most interesting place you have ever been?
A restaurant in Chongqing, China. It was known as the 'flower restaurant'. Some colleagues and I were looking to get away from the normal fare. We got taken to residential housing block, miles out of town. It certainly didn’t look like a restaurant building and we all got a bit nervous in the lift…

When the lift doors opened, it was like walking into Star Trek, circa 1968. Dry ice, astro-turf, plastic flamingos, turtle ponds, strangely clad and beautiful maidens to greet us... and that was just in the entry hall.

The meal (Sichuan grasshoppers and silk worm pupa featured) was interspersed with various cabaret acts. The extensive staff had an extensive wardrobe out the back.

The maidens switched into military fatigues and proceeded to chase an Osama Bin Laden-alike around brandishing toy guns. This was complemented by a guy on the PA system giving a commentary including him making rather crap machine-gun noises. 

They went through several costume changes into hippy outfits and congas around the restaurant with the clientele. It went on and on. Meanwhile there were about four consecutive karaoke sessions going on at the same time. All going on through the same PA system.

It was the strangest meal, in the strangest place, with the strangest food I have ever had.

At the end they all brought us chrysanthemums. To eat. Hence the name of the restaurant.

What is the last book you read?
Harry and the Dinosaurs – Dinosaurs Say RAAAR!  For my daughter, last night. Pretty good read.

When did you last cry and why?
Babies and births tend to set me off. I was talking to one of my staff about his child’s forthcoming birth and remembering how I felt, I had to pretend a bit of chili had gone in my eye. Aiyo.

What is your greatest regret?
None. Except getting chili in my eyes.

If you can spend one day with a celebrity/ historical figure, who would it be?
Most likely, Bob Marley. I think he’s a true hero; rags to riches, genuine principled person, first third world star, never wrote a bad song. I’m sure he would have some good wisdom to impart. His last words were, "Money can’t buy life”.

Although, I do have a recurring dream that I am hanging out with Paul Weller… except I can never get my guitar to work. There’s got to be something Freudian about that, hasn’t there.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
A vague and miniscule improvement on what can be seen from the side angle. Which isn’t nice at all.

Describe your typical day?

1. A three-year-old prizing my eyes open at 6:15am. Closely followed by super strong Vietnamese Coffee. For me, not her.
2. Trials
3. Some precious success
4. Tribulations
5. Learn some lessons
6. Appreciate what’s important
7. Go to Sleep
8. Be plagued by Paul Weller, whilst asleep

Can you suggest a question for our next Q&A candidate?
When were you last forced to do something you didn’t want to do, what was it and would you do it again?