Beyond the scoreboard, unconventional leadership lessons from a tween

"Mommy, she hasn’t texted me back yet," I could see worry in my daughter’s big brown eyes. A pre-teen drama? 

Julia became the captain of her football team a month ago, and the coach tasked her with working on the pre-game strategy for their first game. She spent hours charting player positions, mapping drill patterns, and writing motivational tips for her team. One said, “It’s not the name on the back of your jerseys, but the name on the front.”

Things were going well. Julia was driven and focused, and I excelled in pretending to understand football drill patterns. One night before dinner, she told me one of her teammates texted her and was upset about her position. My little girl looked worried, biting her fingernails.

Mama bear mode kicked in, and I resolved to rescue my cub. Quickly employing my managerial skills, I mapped out two scenarios. The first was to adjust all positions to ensure everyone was happy. Scratch that; I meant "to ensure everyone feels motivated," as I corrected myself. The second option was to shift the responsibility elsewhere, so I told her I would speak with her coach.

Feeling proud of my rescue plan, I waited for her admiration.

“No, mommy,” she stood up. “I went through the strategy last week with everyone, and we all agreed the positions aligned with our skills and our team’s strengths. Changing her position will mean we are not setting ourselves up to win.”

“You must play like you want to win it,” my husband shouted from the kitchen.

For a second, I needed clarification if we were talking about the World Cup. It was just a primary school football game; could we play to have fun? I was secretly annoyed with my husband’s comment.

“Mommy, I feel terrible, but I think she will understand once I explain it myself. It would be best if you didn’t speak to the coach. As a team, we must be flexible and change our positions as the game progresses.”

While her teamwork logic was solid, I questioned whether her assertiveness was necessary and if it was worth the potential consequences. What if the team doesn’t like her? School can be challenging.

Soon, the evening chaos ensued, involving convincing Julia’s little sister not to eat as slowly as a sloth. After dinner cleanup, a bedtime negotiation war erupted between the girls, with my husband calmly herding them to their bedrooms. I shot him a grateful glance as I sprinted to my home office for a lightning-fast work call.

I logged off my computer and walked to Julia’s room to say good night. She was in bed doodling drill patterns in her notebook. As I scanned the pictures of Cristiano Ronaldo and player positions on her walls, it was right there, and then I realised I got it all wrong.

My daughter spent countless hours studying her team’s skills to arrange the player positions, aiming to optimise everyone’s performance. She understands the only way to lead is to lead her team to victory rather than to make everyone happy. Julia fulfilled her duties as the team captain; she didn’t need me to rescue her or to tell her to please others.

According to an article by Thrive Global, “People-pleasing is more commonly presented in women than men. One recent study found this behaviour exhibited in most female participants (54%), while only a minority of men (40%) showed similar tendencies.

As a result, women are suffering from more significant adverse effects on both mental and physical health from these behaviours.” A Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, Debbie Sorensen, said, “People-pleasers are especially prone to burnout at work.”

Her advice is to set clear boundaries. “Don’t look at saying ‘no’ as a reflection of your self-worth or capabilities. Instead, consider setting boundaries as protecting your energy, goals, and priorities.”

I will admit, there are still moments in my leadership journey where I'm tempted to opt for 'nice' conversations to keep people 'motivated'.  I was brought up to prioritise being 'likeable' and to 'please' others to feel deserving of opportunities, partly due to my Asian upbringing.

However, I have learned that merely 'pleasing' doesn't yield good team results. Most people appreciate clear expectations. The kindest approach to leading my team to success is embracing difficult conversations and practising radical candour to set expectations. Avoiding challenging discussions while still holding people accountable only breeds resentment, which is unkind and unfair.

To engage in difficult conversations effectively, we must prioritise establishing psychological safety. One of Julia's tips resonated deeply with her team: “Play as a team; pass the ball when you are in a tight position.”

I ponder whether it is easier for a 10-year-old to seek assistance. It often requires a lot of effort for me to get a grown man or woman to acknowledge their need to 'pass the ball.' They would rather sit in fear of potentially dropping the ball than admit they need help.

So, how can a leader build psychological safety in a team?

Simon Sinek defines psychological safety as having a space where we can say, ‘We are struggling’ without any fear of humiliation or retribution. More importantly, we are confident that those on our team will rush in to support us.

It strikes me that my daughter has already grasped its essence. As the team captain, she nurtured an environment where her team felt secure, asked for help, and performed. 

A week later, as I was just about to board the plane home from India after a few days with customers, I got a text from my husband saying Julia’s team won third place in the tournament. She eagerly awaited me in the living room as I entered the door.

“So, how do you feel about winning third place?” I asked, trying to contain my excitement.

“We all played hard, Mommy. But you know what was the best part of it all?” Without waiting for me to answer, she said: “A surprise pizza party right after the game; they had New York-style pepperoni pizza!!”

Leave it to Julia to focus on the real MVP of the day—the pizza! 

Brenda Chung is the regional director for Asia Pacific at Taboola. A Campaign Women to Watch winner in 2017, when she is not building partnerships with advertisers and publishers, you will find her writing about DE&I and ad tech topics and perfecting her standup routine in the privacy of her bedroom.